Tuesday, June 29, 2004

peices.

i hate examination halls. no, not because of the unnerving aura that engulfs the student enclosure; not because of the fact that i'm sitting for a paper. it's because it's in the examnination hall that i realise that i'm the loneliest asshole around.


i hate the duration before the papers, the intermissions and after the papers have ended. i hate to sit down, alone, and stare at the many different groups, the many different cliques, testing each other's knowledge of the subject, laughing, wishing each other good luck and all those shiznit. i hate all of that. during the intermissions, i hate to go to the washroom alone, just to be greeted by a whole bunch of bitches who care more about their hair than anything else in the world. i hate to go to the canteen and sit down with a bunch of girls, appearing to fit in when in actual fact i was really sitting alone. its just my body there. not my soul. i hate it after the exams, when everyone turn to their friends to discuss the paper, or to search for a hopeful face, as if reassuring them that "hey, i think the paper was easy" or "dude, it's okay, the paper was waaay above our standard". i hate that. i hate all of that.


above all, i hate walking home alone after the paper thinking about what to do next and then my mind would wander off thinking, is this who i really am? so many so-called friends, but still very much a loner? is this who i really am..?


well, i can't really expect people to be there for me now, can i? how can i be so selfish to be hoping for such a thing to happen to me? just because i can be there for people doesn't mean that they can be there for me just as i want them to. well, whoever that said to treat people the way you want them to treat you is a liar. people never treat you the way you treat them. sometimes they treat you better, and sometimes they treat you worse. life is never fair. nope, it isn't.


so just when i thought that when school's back and everything's gonna be just fine; just the way that i want it to be, i'm beginning to hate school. every aspect of it. and every aspect of home. and every aspect of me.






ironic, this isn't the way i want me to be.


died-ed at 2:24 pm
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