Saturday, June 05, 2004

jaded.

i'm bored. i'm tired. and i'm sleepy. but i cannot go back to sleep because i'm afraid of the stupid nightmare i had just now before i woke up and got my ass to sit on the prayer mat and ask for forgiveness from God, and then read half a dozen pages of the Qur'an. i have to repent. dear Lord, i've been such a bad muslim.


i had long talk with ash last night. gosh, i didn't know he was such a caring bloke. and i was actually concerned with his being right now. we talked of life, we talked of friends, we talked of studies and we talked of love. we talked of memories, we talked of families (although i was filled with obligation at first). i never revealed that much of me. i was a listener, and he was always the one doing the conversing. i think it's better that way. but at the end of the conversation, i didn't feel that much gratification as i imagined that i would i feel if had let out what that has been inside me for a long time. maybe it didn't feel right. just maybe. anyway, ash, quit smoking already. i have given you 3 months before and you're still telling me,"dude, i'm tryinna cut down on the sticks man. gimme some time". well, dude, you're my good friend, quit it quick and get it done and over with.


and never tell me that you dropped out of school. you didn't talk to me for months because of your projects and stuff. don't try to fool my that way man, it'll never work cos i'll nag my ass of at you and you won't be able to tolerate my lectures. heh. see how much i love you man?


i feel that my smiles and laughters are just a face. i feel that everyone's smiles and laughters are just faces. we are enslaved to other people's opinions on us, we are enslaved to what others think of us. we are so chained to what others think of us, that we become phony. so whatever people think of us, it's all wrong. it's all pseudo. nothing is the truth because they never see the real you. we just love so much to please people, but sometimes deep down inside, we feel like shit. we are like zombies, walking around aimlessly, trying so hard to get back to the world that we know we'd never be able to get back to. we are zombies, enslaved to our dreams, to our goals. so much so, we ignore people around us. we bumb into them, sometimes we acknowledge them, sometimes we just turn and walk away.


come to think about it, maybe the reason i couldn't get back to sleep is because i'm afraid of that cockroach that crawled into my room just now and never went back out to the living room. maybe the couch will do.


good luck sunny on the idol. you can do it d00d. even if you don't, i'll still be your die hard fan. me and pei fen. (: yeah and if you make it, ACKNOWLEDGE ME, gimme some credit. i've been tortured for hours on the phone just listening you sing and whine and then sing the same thing and then complain that you've got the wrong song and the whole, vicious cycle repeats until you get sick and tired and hungry and decide that its time for you to fix yourself some ham sandwich with cheese and lettuce. and oh yeah, your honey drink, to sweeten the voice. -rolls eyes- but you can do it man. yes you can. you had a little faith in me, when i did you-know-what.. so now i'm putting a lot of faith in you.


and i hope you're not one of those who camped out there. typical singaporeans. it bloody rained last night. yeah last night when i was having that horrible nightmare.


died-ed at 7:14 am
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Thursday, June 03, 2004

urh. eh?

this is stupid. teenagers need their sleep, they need their holidays. we do need extra lessons. but we don't need them to be so freaking early in the morning, especially when it's the holidays. couldn't they make it start an hour later or something? i feel as if i'm going to summer school for the dumb, stupid and haven't got anything better to do but to fill up each and every single neurone(sp?) in their brains.


sometimes, it's easier to talk to someone that you don't know; or haven't met. because they don't know you. they can't judge you. they can only listen and give advice from their view of my part of the story. sometimes, they make you feel bad. but they aren't close to you, so it doesn't matter. sometimes, they make you feel good, but that isn't good,cos they aren't close to you and their words are of no meaning. sometimes they think that you're older than your age and say,"you're wiser that your age, you know." and that'll boost up your morale cos "your age" in that sentence is waaay older than what you are now. so, you're wise.


this post is totally redundant. yeah.


my ex-boyfriend, is getting hotter, a cheerleader and back in my life. i didn't know how it ended 2 years ago, i don't want to find out. the heart wants him. and he told me his heart's likewise. but, uh, no? gosh. am i making a mistake? stupid cupid, stop picking on me.


died-ed at 7:36 am
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Tuesday, June 01, 2004

it's always me isn't it? it's always me that is forever wrong. even if there are other people who are supposedly to be blamed, it's always me now isnt it? it's always me who's the one who doesn't know how to take the initiative to do things, isn't it? it's me who has all the free time in this fucking world, isn't it? it's me who has all the fucking energy to do everything right? it's me who just have to do every fucking thing and get the fucking blame and when i don't do anything right? it's me who has nothing better to do in this house right? i'm the only fucking person in this house who doesn't have a goal to achieve, aren't i? i'm the only person who doesn't have a life out there, aren't i? i'm the only person who can't control myself, aren't i? that's why i deserve this right? that's why i fucking deserve this right?


well you know what? i'm not the only fucking person here. i'm not the only fucking person you can push everything to. i'm not the only fucking person who is capable to do of such things. i'm not the only fucking person in this place who has all the time in the world. okay. get that in that your head.


but i shall be the only person who'll go missing. and you wouldn't even notice.


one day, i shall watch my double in that fucking "missing" show on tv and laugh my ass off to the fact that, FINALLY you sense my absence. but it'll be too late. i'd be out of your lives.


died-ed at 11:31 pm
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remember?

family reuninion dinners can really bring back the memories of growing up together with my cousins. it really tickles me now to think how young and naive we were, with our silly games and our silly dreams. but i guess it's the silly games and the silly dreams that really got us close together as what we are now. and our many many secrets and threatenings to spill them out were the cheeky stuff that even till today we hold on very strongly to.


kin, reen, me, khairi and meer. the five cousins of craziness. remember those spice girls days? where we would each be a member of the group: sporty, ginger, posh, baby and scary respectively? heh. we were such a bunch. spending the whole day dressing up and singing in front of the stereo until reen's sister tell us to shut up. that was crazy. and when we are done with that, we'd play pretend. pretending to be educators, ghouls, mothers, doctors, chefs and all those nonsense. then we'd play guts, challenging each other physically. and doing crazy dares(like adding 10 pinches of pepper to bandung and drinking it). then we'd challenge the guy cousins in a game of tag or hide and seek. oh my god. the things that we used to do. we were such fun.


we used to hate guys. and now, we love them. and we were afraid that we'll forget each other when we grow up, so we made a pact to live with each other when we're old enough. and now, when we think about it, we won't just be living with each other. we will be living with each other, and our boyfriends, although we know that that'd be impossible since all of our parents are a very religious and a conservative bunch. but still, we continued dreaming...


yesterday was so much fun. the sacarsm, the bitchiness, the laughter, the dissing, the oohs and the aahs. everything. we still remembered our dreams. and even dared to dream further. that's how we were. still young, and still very naive. and we are gonna be like that. just us. just the five of us. forever. in our very own world. :) i love you guys.


died-ed at 8:15 pm
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Sunday, May 30, 2004

bond.

yesterday's mom's and dad's 22nd anniversary. i'm marvelled at how long they managed to get through life together. how they can stand each other. how they can trust each other for such a long time. it's a wonder they can live with each other for 22 years and have not run out of things to talk about or things to do together. it's a wonder they have not run out of love for each other.


i tried to picture me and my beau (beau here as in lover, not boyfriend cos then it'd be weird to be living with your boyfriend for 22 years without getting married. getting tied down, however, is a scary thought altogether) after 22 years. but i couldn't. for me, holding on to something, even if it's really promising, is difficult. i'm not the type of person who can hold on. i find it difficult to trust and to told on to it altogether. i find it very easy to distrust, though. i picture me and my beau in 22 years, that is if we made it that long, lying next to each other on the bed, staring at the ceiling, silent, as if holding on to the air around us. the air around us, invisible. the same air that we breathe in, the same bond that we share and try very hard not to let go.


i cannot imagine living with anyone for that long, except for my family of course. and even then, i don't really have a choice now, do i? it's very scary, now that i think about. the whole love and marriage thing. i'm afraid of getting married, and in contrast, i'm afraid that i would never get married. i'm afraid of getting tied down because i'm afraid of the responsibilities of committing one's self in a relationship, i'm afraid of bearing kids, i'm afraid that i'd be a bad parent, i'm afraid of alot of things. the worst fear that i have about getting married is that i'm afraid that i'd be restricted from doing things that i want to do. i really am. i'm really afraid that if i do things that i want to, i'd be neglecting my children, my husband. and i really don't want that to happen because i know how it feels.


on the other hand, i'm afraid that i would never get tied down. that i'd never be able to find the right one. i'm afraid i'd never be able to experience the joy of having children, taking care of them and see them succeed in life. i'm afraid that i would never feel the gratification of life when i'm fifty or something. i'm afraid that i would never have children, and that i have to go through my elderhood alone, and die alone. and i'm afraid, after i die, no one remembers me.


there are many things that i'm afraid of when it comes to life and marriage and i guess i have to get over my fears eventually. but for now, i'm still very much marvelled at my mom's and my dad's achievements and their ability to hold on for so long. and i guess now's just not the right age to think about such stuff. like what am i thinking, i'm just sixteen! marriage is yet a long way. for now, it's the big O's and then life after that. i'm definately a courier-before-marriage lady.


died-ed at 3:00 pm
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