Sunday, May 30, 2004

bond.

yesterday's mom's and dad's 22nd anniversary. i'm marvelled at how long they managed to get through life together. how they can stand each other. how they can trust each other for such a long time. it's a wonder they can live with each other for 22 years and have not run out of things to talk about or things to do together. it's a wonder they have not run out of love for each other.


i tried to picture me and my beau (beau here as in lover, not boyfriend cos then it'd be weird to be living with your boyfriend for 22 years without getting married. getting tied down, however, is a scary thought altogether) after 22 years. but i couldn't. for me, holding on to something, even if it's really promising, is difficult. i'm not the type of person who can hold on. i find it difficult to trust and to told on to it altogether. i find it very easy to distrust, though. i picture me and my beau in 22 years, that is if we made it that long, lying next to each other on the bed, staring at the ceiling, silent, as if holding on to the air around us. the air around us, invisible. the same air that we breathe in, the same bond that we share and try very hard not to let go.


i cannot imagine living with anyone for that long, except for my family of course. and even then, i don't really have a choice now, do i? it's very scary, now that i think about. the whole love and marriage thing. i'm afraid of getting married, and in contrast, i'm afraid that i would never get married. i'm afraid of getting tied down because i'm afraid of the responsibilities of committing one's self in a relationship, i'm afraid of bearing kids, i'm afraid that i'd be a bad parent, i'm afraid of alot of things. the worst fear that i have about getting married is that i'm afraid that i'd be restricted from doing things that i want to do. i really am. i'm really afraid that if i do things that i want to, i'd be neglecting my children, my husband. and i really don't want that to happen because i know how it feels.


on the other hand, i'm afraid that i would never get tied down. that i'd never be able to find the right one. i'm afraid i'd never be able to experience the joy of having children, taking care of them and see them succeed in life. i'm afraid that i would never feel the gratification of life when i'm fifty or something. i'm afraid that i would never have children, and that i have to go through my elderhood alone, and die alone. and i'm afraid, after i die, no one remembers me.


there are many things that i'm afraid of when it comes to life and marriage and i guess i have to get over my fears eventually. but for now, i'm still very much marvelled at my mom's and my dad's achievements and their ability to hold on for so long. and i guess now's just not the right age to think about such stuff. like what am i thinking, i'm just sixteen! marriage is yet a long way. for now, it's the big O's and then life after that. i'm definately a courier-before-marriage lady.


died-ed at 3:00 pm
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Saturday, May 29, 2004

2 Faced.

Twisted and deceitful

All those 2 faced people taking me for some kind of fool

Pretending to be so nice

Let me give you my advice

I don't need you

Friends in disguise, dressed up in lies

It's an act that you're playing

First you recognise me then you criticise me, what's going on?

Stop your bitching coz you're so sad, bitching behind my back

Honey I don't need that, so kick it to the kerb because I heard ya

2 Faced tryin to get in my place. I work too hard to make mistakes

So stop your bitching on me

They're so narrow minded, truth is so one sided, they're just counterfeit

Hot and cold you're blowing, sheep in wolves clothing, who are you trying to kid?

2 Faced people are so shallow, put yourself in my place

The fairytales you're spinning, sounding so convincing, but I'm at loss

So stop your bitching coz you're so sad, bitching behind my back

Honey, I don't need that, so kick it to the kerb because I heard ya

2 Faced tryin to get in my place. I work too hard to make mistakes

So stop your bitching on me

Poisoned words are spoken, my faith in you is broken, but I'll make it on my own

Twisted and deceitful, all those 2 faced people taking me for some kind of fool

They're so narrow minded, truth is so one sided

But honey you're wrong

So stop your bitching coz you're so sad, bitching behind my back

Honey I don't need that, so kick it to the kerb because I heard ya

2 Faced tryin to get in my place. I work too hard to make mistakes

So stop bitching on me

Bitching coz you're so sad, bitching behind my back

Honey I don't need that, so kick it to the kerb because I heard ya

2 Faced tryin to get in my place. I work too hard to make mistakes

So stop your bitching on me

Stop this hypocrisy, you're criticising me

Coz I don't wanna be with 2 Faced people


this song just explains it all. yeah.


died-ed at 2:23 pm
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Friday, May 28, 2004

new layout.

yeah. so hoorah for the new layout. like out of the blue. was watching the last samurai on dvd and saw the part where they were going to battle and how dignified the horse's legs were when they were galloping to the battlefield and viola! a new layout. yes, shallow, i know. but whatever.


you said you didn't really love me. you broke my heart on a day that i have considered special in my life. you said that we could be friends. you said a lot of things. reluctantly, i had to let you go. when you needed a listening ear, i was there for you. and now when i just ask for one little thing in return, you wouldn't even pick up the call. are words just words to soothe the heart? do you really mean what you say? it hurts me knowing that you'd sell yourself short just like that. by being an absolute jerk.


no, i shan't diss you here. i shan't diss you at all. for it's not right to blame the stupid for being stupid, but it's right to blame the intellectual for not leading. so here, i'm going to tell you something. do yourself a favour, when you say something, please mean it. please mean it. please, please, please mean it. especially when you utter those three words. please mean it. i know how it feels like to hold on to something that someone says but don't put any meaning to it. it hurts. so please, not for me, but for the next lady in your life. please mean what you say. and you know there's no such thing as "we can be friends" for you. you've just proven yourself to be totally incompetent of being able to be so.


silently, you've withdrawn yourself out of my life. and maybe it's time that i withdraw myself out of yours. there's no point hoping that friends we shall be when you are silently drifting away. and it's not just you. everyone seems to be drifting away.


when people starts to ditch you almost everyday and you're left with no company, just go home, sleep and escape. and what a coincidence, my life runs just like that.


died-ed at 1:36 pm
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Thursday, May 27, 2004

mutiara kata.

kay. i'm currently at anderson sec for my higher malay lesson and doing this research for quotes and such for facts-related essays. and i didn't bring anything along with me with the exception of my pencil case and my novel, so i just have to save the thingies here and print it at home or something. (nina, i can't believe that i'm actually doing this. are you?)


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"Orang bakhil tidak akan terlepas daripada salah satu daripada empat sifat yang membinasakan iaitu; dia akan mati dan hartanya akan diambil warisnya, lalu dibelanjakan bukan pada tempatnya atau; hartanya akan diambil secara paksa oleh penguasa yang zalim atau; hartanya menjadi rebutan orang-orang jahat dan akan digunakan untuk kejahatan atau; adakalanya harta itu akan dicuri dan digunakan untuk berfoya-foya."
-SAIDINA ABU BAKAR.


Kekayaan yang hilang boleh dikejar dengan usaha yang bersungguh-sungguh. Kesihatan yang hilang boleh diperolehi dengan ubat-ubatan yang baik tetapi masa yang hilang sekali hilang akan terus hilang.


jadilah seperti pohon kayu yang berbuah lebat, dibaling dengan batu dibalas dengan buah.


Orang yang bijak mempelajari banyak perkara daripada musuhnya sendiri.


Rumah tanpa buku umpama bilik tanpa tingkap.


Harta menjamin dunia. Iman menjaminkan akhirat.


Apabila kita kejar dunia, dunia akan lari; tetapi apabila kita kejar akhirat, dunia akan mengejar kita.


“Apabila bukit-bukau dan anak sungai berakhir dan kelihatan tidak ada jalan lagi di hadapan, di celah-celah rimbun dan bungabungaan yang berkembangan, terbentang sebuah desa.” Dalam erti kata lain – masih ada lagi harapan, walaupun keadaan kelihatan buntu.


Ini adalah ciri seorang pemimpin. Dalam sesebuah krisis, seorang pemimpin menunjukkan keyakinan, bukan rasa gentar.


Krisis memperlihatkan peribadi sebenar sebuah bangsa.


Kepada golongan muda Singapura ini, saya katakan tidak, Impian Singapura tidak musnah. Benar, langit mendung sekarang. Tetapi awan mendung tidak kekal selamanya. Selepas hujan, langit akan kembali cerah. Jika kita gunakan masa mendung ini untuk membentuk semula Singapura, menjadikan diri kita lebih langsing dan tangkas, kita akan berupaya untuk tumbuh semula apabila matahari terbit kelak.


Tangkap ketam dengan kaki anda, dan memancing dengan tangan anda. Tetapi jika ketam lari, dan ikan terlepas dari genggaman, udang pun jadilah.


“…Saya puji anda kerana negara anda telah menangani SARS dengan baik sekali. Bagi saya, ini adalah satu lagi tanda daya saing global Singapura, memandangkan tiada negara lain yang juga teruk dilanda SARS telah dapat bertindak dengan begitu bertanggungjawab dan secara berkesan seperti Singapura. Dalam kita melangkah ke masa depan sejagat yang tidak menentu, inilah ciri-ciri yang perlu ada pada sesebuah negara untuk terus hidup.”


Menyesuaikan diri kita dengan semua perubahan ini memerlukan perubahan minda. Kita tidak lagi boleh menjangkakan yang kehidupan akan terus maju ke atas seperti tangga bergerak. Sebaliknya, kita harus bersiap-sedia untuk kehidupan di atas “roller coaster”. Perubahan minda kita juga harus melewati bidang ekonomi, supaya merangkumi semua aspek kehidupan kita.


Jika sektor awam tidak mahu menggajikan golongan homoseksual, sektor swasta mungkin akan ikut sama. Tetapi golongan homoseksual juga perlu bekerja mencari rezeki.


Jangan salahkan orang yang bodoh kerana tidak tahu, tetapi salahkan orang yang cerdik kerana tidak menunjuk.


Satu-satunya yang boleh menghalang kita daripada mencapai visi kita ialah minda yang lemah. Apakah anda percaya kita boleh lakukannya? Jika anda kata "tidak", kita tidak akan berjaya. Tetapi jika anda kata "ya", kita boleh mengatasinya.


Jadi seperti yang sering kita lakukan, apabila kita jatuh, kita bangun, bersihkan pasir dan debu yang melekat dan mendaki semula. Dan kita akan sampai ke destinasi kita.


Kita mesti sentiasa bersedia, tanpa leka, untuk melindungi diri dari serangan, mengatur strategi mengalahkan pihak lawan.


Yang dikatakan panjang umur, ialah orang yang pendek usianya tetapi banyak amalannya. Yang dikatakan pendek umur itu ialah orang yang panjang usianya, tetapi sedikit amalannya.


Kalau nak buat duit, kita mesti belanja duit dahulu.

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and that's it for now. my apologies to those who do not understand the malay language. so for scrolling all the way down here, i'd leave you ppl with one qoute: "Trust in God; but lock your car." heh. interesting one, aye? ;)


christopher cornett: maybe i'll make my first publication of my very own novel before i turn eighteen or something. i've got major exams to worry about right now. in the mean time, continue with that book that you're writing and i hope it'll hit the bestseller's list or someting yeah? and i really appreciate all of your comments. continue contributing yeah? and that goes to all of you reading my blog too. heh.


nina, i still can't believe i'm doing this. and shafiqah, this stuff is good for you. print it, read it and prepare for monday. see how much i love you? maybe sunday i can help you with some last minute study or something. your peribahasas and stuff. yeah.


died-ed at 3:09 pm
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Wednesday, May 26, 2004

uh.

i've written a shitload of stuff in my notebook so i don't think i bother writing anymore here. i mean for the moment. yeah. 2 and a half hours of self-study is amazingly useful and boring at the same time, especially when you have an entire sec 2 level cheering like there's no tomorrow and you're trying to solve cosec-cube-2-pie-over-three is equals to 1-over-square-root-2. yeah. so i'll post a picture of j and ace. just for fun. have fun,kids. heh.



wishbone. heh. doggie's called j. and he's not supposed to touch it. 


tuition is going to be so fucking boring. i don't even know my tutor's proper name. heh. oh vesak day, pls come already.


died-ed at 4:06 pm
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