Friday, May 21, 2004

escape.

Young girl don't cry

I'll be right here when your world starts to fall

Young girl it's alright

Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly


When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream

Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems

No one ever wants or bothers to explain

Of the heartache life can bring and what it means


i won't cry. i really won't. but when my world starts to fall, who's gonna be right here? right here to hold me, lend a hand, lend a ear, lend a shoulder, lend a sleeve? is it really alright when i find it hard to let go, when i find it hard to let it out? will my tears really dry and will i soon be free to fly..? it's so hard to stand my ground when i'm so afraid. many a times, i escape. escape when i'm safe inside my room and then i tend to dream. tend to think and reminisce of the times where nothing is harder than it seems, of the times where we were all so close, so together and everything was just so perfect. now, no one is here. i'm left all alone. so lonesome i can cry. so how can anyone even bother to explain of this heartache life can bring and what it means..?


When there's no one else

Look inside yourself

Like your oldest friend just

Trust the voice within

Then you'll find the strength

That will guide your way

If you'll learn to begin to

Trust the voice within


i've looked inside myself over a gazillion times, but i can never trust the voice within, i can never trust my conscience. i can never trust all those gut feelings, i can never trust myself. like an oldest friend? my oldest friend, i would say, is myself. i can never learn to trust people. i can never learn to trust myself, even. so how do i trust the voice within? how do i find the strength that will guide my way? i've tried and tried to trust myself and my conscience and all those shitznit. but it never works. will someone tell me how?


people who can relate and can express themselves to other people are lucky asses. people who can socialize just like that without feeling insecure are lucky asses. people who can trust others without a doubt are lucky asses. people who can click with others and maintain that relationship for a long time are lucky asses. people who have no siblings but very great friends who care for them like a whole deal are lucky asses. i can never be in that clique of people. i can never ever be. never ever. never ever. never ever. i can never relate or express myself to others, i can never socialize without feeling insecure. i can never trust people without a doubt. i can never click without difficulty. i have siblings. but its as good as living under one roof with strangers. complete strangers. this hse, its not a home, its a fucking motel!


sometimes i feel even if i disappear without a trace, no one would notice. no one seem to care anymore. no one seems to be there anymore. everyone's busy with their own fucking lives, tryinna achieve their own fucking dreams. will they ever realise that their fucking dreams are turning them into zombies that are enslaved to their own success? will they ever realise that? no. they won't. they shall never. they are gonna work their asses off, get what they want. and then maybe they'll finally realise that i'm gone. "i'm too far out. further out that you thought. not waving, but drowning"..


knock on my door when it's all over. i don't want to be living day by day in a dream. i don't want to pretend it's alright. i don't want to pretend, make-believe, imagine, hallucinate. please don't tell me that everything is wonderful somehow. please don't say a thing when you don't mean it. please don't. you'll just make me continue dreaming. i don't want to mix up the virtual with the reality.


so what do you really do when you can't trust anyone, not even yourself? what is it what you really do?


died-ed at 7:04 pm
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Wednesday, May 19, 2004

jealousy

i don't know what's wrong with me. i don't feel right, like something's bothering me. everytime i see something oh-so-nice or oh-so-sweet, something so perfect, i'll get this little jab in my chest, like a green-eyed monster taking over every inch of me only that it's managed to escape from revealing itself. it happened again today.


i've always hated people who hate family dinners. those people who dread having to face their family each and every day for a short period of time. i hate them. they don't know how phreakingly lucky they are. they have parents who actually bothered to prepare a meal, parents who actually managed to get out of work just to be with them. i can practically count the number of days we have a full family dinner together every year. and the number of days is obviously lesser than the ten fingers of my hands. i hate it whenever i back home from tuition late, and families are piling into the lifts, just getting home from dining out. i hate the fact that my parents are working their asses off, i hate the wonder whether they had had their dinner or are they coming home yet or if there's food in the microwave for me to heat. i hate the fact that often my sisters are at home, alone, doing their own things or watching tv. i hate the fact that it's tactless going home but i haven't got anywhere to go to either.


i'm not complaining. i'm just sick of this feeling of feeling guilty for feeling unappreciative. especially towards my parents. they are the ones who brought me to this world. they are the ones who gave me the chance to live. the ones who brought me up and tolerated all of my nonsense. i hate to wonder,"is this my thanks to them?" everyone says that i have to talk to them. but i know no matter how hard i try, i can never express the way i feel the way i want it because then i know i'll hurt them deep. besides, time is never on our side. we never really had the time. and when we did, no one wants to spoil the occassion. that includes me. and i really do not wish to hurt my parents' feelings. that'll make me a complete bitch. after all they have done for me just so i can be brought up proper.


but this green-eyed monster never leaves me. and i can't help it if it engulfs me everytime i see something right before me and i know i may never have. i just can't. it's like permanently deep in the shadows of my heart, only shredding its light at certain moments, causing the major ache to be the reason for the shattering of this improper-shape organ and the flooding of fluid from the oval-shaped crystal balls that observes the world.


i know that this topic has propped up again and again. but as i've said, i just can't help it. i wish someday the feeling would just bloody disappear.


happy birthday jillian.


died-ed at 7:37 pm
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Monday, May 17, 2004

ponder.

"how do you explain the sunlight to one who never sees it?". a question so simple and yet so complex. a question that makes you realise that sometimes, you have to experience something yourself. a question that makes you realise that sometimes, you just have to let go.


a fetus. unborn. pure. crammed inside a mother's womb. safe, secure. but crammed. inexperiece. dark and gloomy. we're out here in the open. al fresco and all. and yet we feel as if we're living like a can of sardines. now, why would anyone want to be in a mother's womb, when they can be out in the sunlight? the fetus, so innocent, so inexperiece, just waiting to get out. just waiting to experience the sunlight. in the end, would it complain when it grows into a grown man? would it regret like most of us? would it wish that it has never came out in the sunlight? would we be able to explain the sunlight to it, when it has never seen it? would we? would he benefit better from advice, or from experience? a thousand and one questions it may have but we never know. we shall never learn how to speak their language, we shall never really make use of the thing they call telephaty. Man's too insecure, too vulnerable, too helpless and small, too chicken to be able to do such a thing.


death. experiencing the next world. and the next.and the next. death: something that doctors can never stop; something that most dread yet something that most wish just to get off easy. i have never thought of death in a sense that it's an opportunity to experience the next world. i've never seen it that way. as i've learnt, it's cruel to hold back a dying person. he's suffering this world enough. he should move on to the next. for the better or for the worse, it's not for us to decide. its for him to experience. and what he has done in this world would somehow benefit/harm him in the next. but that's not for us to decide. definately no. that's for God to decide, to arrange and for him to experience. we? we just have to let go..


whatever i've expressed up there isn't as deep as what i'm feeling right now. of course, the feelings and thoughts inside me right now is way deeper than what i've just expressed it to be. it's difficult for me to write it all down in words at times. that's my incapability. my stupid incapability of being able to express the way i feel to others. even myself. i tend to keep it all inside and just take it as it is. sometimes it hurts so much in the chest. but it's not as if i can do anything about it. i tried to let it out. but every attempt was a failure. i learned that some things are just as they are. we can't change it. i wonder if i'm semi-autistic. i hope not.


so, the question again: how do you explain the sunlight to one who has never seen it? you don't. they would just have to see it themselves and interpret it in their own special way. everyone's different. that includes opinions.


died-ed at 9:26 pm
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