Sunday, May 09, 2004

eccentric.

i am simply weird. simply eccentric, abberent, quiant, pecular. i am simply nutty. i'm not the sort who is like the norm. i'm not the sort of girl who loves those hamsters and dogs and cats and fishes or what crap. i'm not the sort of girl who loves all those pink hearts, yellow flowers, tulips, red roses and such. not the sort who loves happy house or hallmark but darkhorse and emily strange and penny dreadful and stuff. i'm not the sort of girl who likes to go "oooh, that is like sooo cute! like totally!" and go gaga over above-than-average-looking kind of guys. i don't own a little black book, in which there'll be my whole lifetime schedule. my life is made out of segments of time, often which i end up wondering how they were lost. many times i forget the things i've done, or why i did it in the first place.


i don't know why i suggested watching a movie on the player when not even a quater way through the flick, i'll end up in my room, snoring with the radio on. and when a particular song was just about to end, i'll wake up, humming along and then try very hard to go back to lala-land but to no avail. then i'll smash the radio and stare at the ceiling, wondering what to do next. i don't know why i'm the sort who finds pleasure in watching pain. watching and experiencing pain. i don't know why i feel so heartless at times, and why i feel extra super-dee-dooperly sensitive at other instances. i don't know why i hate britney spears so much. but i'm absolutely into her new song. i just don't know why.


sometimes i feel like i'm alienated from my own mind, body, soul. i'm a stranger to my own feelings. sometimes i stare at an empty space, stare at the ceiling fan, just observing things. the fan, spinning and spinning and spinning, the endless cycle just as long as the circuit never breaks. the fan, is like love. love is passed on and on. felt by everyone. the connection, never breaks, however. the connection never breaks even though someone has passed on. it never breaks. until you allow it to.


as much as i don't know myself. and how i feel. i don't know why i wrote such a post. but that'll do for now. i'm blardie.....weird.


died-ed at 1:03 pm
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Wednesday, May 05, 2004

the sweet sixteen.

birthdays. a day of celebration. a day where one gets extra attention. well, most of the time. a day where suddenly you're the king or the queen. also, a day you thank alot of people for being in your life. a day you reflect what you've achieved so far. a day you make your own personal resolutions. a day i reminisce, and repent.


i'd like to thank my parents. alot. alot. alot. i like to thank them for bringing me into this world. i wouldn't be celebrating this day without them. i wouldn't be alive if they haven't allowed me to. i would like them for their endless efforts in bringing me up and making me who i am right now. i would like to thank them for giving me the chance to be what i want to be. for giving me a chance to learn the good and the bad, giving me liberty of weighing on my own what's good for me. for not setting a limit for my imagination. for supporting my interests in whatever i do, although they do not resent it at times. yesterday, i told a friend that i wasn't really looking forward to my sweet sixteen and now i know why. my parents have given me so much and i realise last night that i haven't been an excellent daughter. i've spoken back at them, swore at them indirectly, calling them names behind their backs. i've badmouthed them. and that's the worse thing a muslim can do to their parents. i'm really sorry. i deserve not to be forgiven. thanks ma, thanks bah, for being tolerant with me. thanks ma, thanks bah, for bringing me up on the right path. thanks ma, thanks bah, for caring so much for me. i'll be a better person, i promise.


to my brother and my sisters. thanks for being there for me whenever i need you guys. even though we are drifting apart day after day, i know i can depend on you guys especially now.. mir,i know i haven't been a great sister and you've care for me a whole lot and stuff. and i haven't been a good person you can talk to. but deep inside, i care for you alot. i just can't express myself openly to another person. maybe i'm autistic. whatever. but do turn to me. someday, i'll learn to turn to you too. ki, sorry i've been calling you a spoilt brat. but you really are. but i guess it comes with the package, being the youngest amongst us and stuff. but amongst that spoilt character of yours, you were always a giver. now, i realise, you're not as insensitive as i thought you are. abang, virtually or in reality, i still don't know how i feel for you. i just don't know how to express it. i love you guys. i love you guys alot.


to my friends who have been there for me. shan, thanks for the wonderful days at school. lessons have never been boring, and although they are, our voices never fail to make me smile. :) thanks for being there for me when i got my darn malay results, when ziqing made me mad and stuff. i love you. :) shaQ, thanks for those neurotic moments in school. thanks for those nonsensical talks at night. and thanks for taking my amaths book without telling me and making me go frantic the next day, swearing every vulgaric word i know and cursing you non-stop. may, thanks for being a "sister" figure although not really in reality. you understand me alot. thanks for the advise, thanks for making me promise not to slash. thanks for everything.


thank you to all the well wishers(this sounds like a funeral), thanks for all the greetings, the birthday hugs, the 16-birthday handshakes, the punches and the pinches. baked beans, thanks fer the birthday call during physics lesson just now. get well soon. :) hayati, thanks fer the hypnotizing thingy. now shan can sleep even more often in class. shan,joan,jason and ziqing, thanks for the notebook. i love it. gothic. simply gothic. fiqi, thanks for the stationary. its not much, i know but it's the thought that counts lil sis.. meerie, thanks for sponge bob. i love it. alot. imma cuddle it every night. thanks. mommy and daddy, thanks for the new handphone. finally, i get to strike it off my wishlist. i know it must have cost a fortune. i shall not abuse it. yeah. i won't. i'll try my best to keep the bills below a hundred bucks. yeah i will. thanks alot mom,dad. ronald and huixin, thanks for the lil postcard. i really like it. and raymond, thanks for making my wish come true. heh. :)


and finally i can type this down. happy birthday, myz. :)


died-ed at 7:38 pm
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Tuesday, May 04, 2004

pixs.

click here for the key el pictures and the redundant stuff.


i'm wasting my time on the virtual reality when i'm having a test tomorrow. wowwee. somehow, momma and pop didn't make noise when i skipped school and higher malay today. i wonder if tomorrow has got anything to do with it..


i miss lin shan.


died-ed at 2:55 pm
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Monday, May 03, 2004

watery eyes.

i didn't know that i could write so much just for kularesh wijaykumar and that i can tolerate his guts the most compared to the rest of the guys in my class. i'm so proud of myself. haha. i'm so obsessed over him. over kularesh wijaykumar. the guy who keeps turning around and asking me for liquid paper and foolscap paper and eraser and an extra pen. the guy who blardie needs a pencil case that is actually filled with stationary and not just a penknife and a compass to enjoy the pleasure of pain. well, maybe its because i shared the same childhood of having to grow up in rosyth school and we can't help talking about old classmates and teachers, reminiscing those stupid and sheepish moments and stuff whenever we are bored. kularesh kularesh, i can never get enough of your smiles and your dimples and your boy-ish attitude can be very irresistable at times. haha. kularesh kularesh, the guy who'd say,"not bad ahh atiqah" whenever i do well for a test, and the guy who'd keep on encouraging when i do otherwise. kularesh kularesh, a good friend indeed. no ppl, i'm not obsessed with him that way.


my eyes get watery and swollen easily these days. they tire easily. well, at least i won't be going to school tomorrow. just higher malay and addmaths tuition. yeayness. that'll give time for me to clear up the mountain-high amount of homework that i've been putting off for the past few weeks. haish. i'm an absolute nerd. -rolls eyes-


am i dreaming? did i just friggin wrote about kularesh wijaykumar in my blog? i'm crazy. i'm stressed.


and oh, kl was exquisite.


died-ed at 8:16 pm
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