Sunday, April 04, 2004

empty.

whenever someone tells me that he/she is going to have dinner with thier parents or their family, i get envious. whenever someone asks "who's at home?" or "where're your parents?", my heart cringes for a while. whenever i walk out of my room and see the family portrait on the wall, i just lose my breath. everything is so quiet nowadays. this house,so empty. my ears ring and ring and ring. i can't stand the sound. from the inside, i feel the pain. the pain goes up to my throat. it gets cold and lonely. the pain goes up to my throat. i'm afraid one day it'll hurt so much i'll choke. the pain gets to my throat. the pain gets to my throat. sometimes i cannot breathe.


where's is everyone? where's my mom, my dad, my sisters and my brother? where are they? the people i see walking around this house are strangers. nobody i know. they're empty vessels like me, living under the same roof. sure we pass each other, sure we exchange a few words. but we are emotionless. the smiles on our faces, are all just faces. the ties we have, are like just-because. we chase our dreams so big, our love we took for granted; our love we sacrificed.


i would love to live in a fairytale.. if only someone would play me a song that would never, ever end.. if only if only if only...


died-ed at 4:11 pm
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Saturday, April 03, 2004

4th year death anniversary.

woke up to dad's knocking on my door. slept a lil longer, then went to pray. done praying, lay down next to gran.. and then gran told me she dreamt of him again.. reminisced the moments, the times, and the joys we shared when he was still very much alive. gran wept.. and i was there, next to her, hugging her, weeping silently on my own too.. gran wondered why he didn't take her with him when he passed on. and that very moment, my hurt broke into another million peices. life without him pretty much sucks at times, and i cannot imagine losing her.. i cannot imagine how i would have grown up without them..


i miss him, alot. i miss him, dearly. its amazing how someone's presence can be so regular that you don't miss him until you know you're sentence to his absence forever. everytime i see or listen to gran weeping, my heart etches. she lived with him for 45 years, 45 years.. almost half a centuary.. half a centuary you live with a person and then suddenly one day, poof! he has to pass on.. and 4 years later, you still haven't learnt to get over and live without the person.. cos you lived with him for over half a centuary.. even after he passed away...


so many times i wished you were still alive.. you're not. but you are still alive even after you're gone.. you're still very much alive in our hearts.. i pray God have mercy on his soul..


"Love is about how you stay alive, even when you're gone.."

-Tuesdays with Morrie, Mitch Albom


died-ed at 8:55 am
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Friday, April 02, 2004

bury me deep.

someone please just dig a hole right here, right now and bury me six feet under. fatigue has taken over my body, draining every aspect of energy that is left in my soul. weekend comes, i lie in my so-called coffin, sleeping deeply.. and then the vicous cycle starts again.


the long time-tables are causing me serious mental and physical harm. i cannot wait for this year to be over. end of 2004=end to those crazy rush from class to higher mly to tuition days. it will be an end to those 8am-7pm studying hours which EXCLUDES the time i need for revision and homework and stuff.


and oh yeah, an end to those datelines that got extended, making things unfair for those who completed things just for the dateline. heh. unfair unfair. well, life is unfair. datelines don't mean a thing.


weird that i actually even bother ranting about my constant lethargic-ness. weird that i have a little bit of energy left for this shiet. heh.


oh, just bury me deep...


died-ed at 1:14 pm
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Wednesday, March 31, 2004

from the blog of a friend..

Monday, 29 March 2004

Dancing, In The Moonlight...

Mood: High


WoohOo~ The song makes me feel so high. So high that it's been a long time, since i last felt that.


"Dancing In The Moonlight" by Toploader, was dedicated to the whole of 4e4 and to welcome me back,over the air~


At the same time, felt happy too for I had a frenz who actually took the trouble to write this letter to 98.7fm. She's one nice gal whom I known not long ago, Atiqah... =)


kEkez, a frenz of mine, Eunice, even sms-ed me and requested me to give her a kiss, upon seeing her tml. hAhaz =P But, I think that's too much bah? Don't need right? kEkez... So,I gave her a *frenzy hugx* to show my apperication. Some of my frenz just *rAwks On*! =D


Well right now, Feel like dancing just like I'm dancing in the moonlight~ ~ ~


i'm remembered afterall.. =) ooh, and if he's reading this. i would like to steal your fossil watch mannn. heh.


died-ed at 8:24 pm
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Monday, March 29, 2004

fully empty.

i am not empty

i am filled with envy, rage, hurt and fear.

and all of them amount to tears.

i yearn to let them out.

i yearn to smile and laugh.

i yearn to be able to love and be loved in return.

but i can't seem to let them out, let them go

let them out.

i fill these pages with tears,

they eventually evaporate and disappear.

i fill them again.

they evaporate and disappear once more.

vicious cycle,

that's what it is.

that's how my pain is.

that's just how my pain is.

-iQah. 280304.


died-ed at 6:37 am
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