Sunday, September 21, 2003

DOWN DOWN DOWN:

bored to death. ain't got nothing to do. bleh. finished reading pen pals by olivia goldsmith, bestselling author of the first wives club. didn't do anything productive over the weekend but just notes for the first 3 chapters for chemistry. if only i did the same for my mid yr, then i wld just have to revise instead of writing, then revise. eyes have been drooping since tt nite i got tt stewpid nightmare. been thinking alot of life and still don't know nothing. overobsessed of being non-existant. negativity taking up the capacity of my body. my whole world suppressed with lonliness, longing, anger and fear. the matter of what is going to happen often debated by both the left and the right brain, the heart and the mind, the body and the soul. when things go differently, what is left of me? then neutrality comes to mind. the ability of having not to feel suddenly appeared. then i am fearless. i am free. suddenly i am disengaged. disinterested. dispassionate. i am abstract. achromatic. colorless. drab. what i am feeling is vague. no one understands. no one has to make room for me. i don't need their pity. i don't need their symphaty. my middle name no longer avant-garde. it has changed to solemn.

It fears what makes us decide,
Our future journey,
I'm not along for the ride,
Cuz I'm still yearning,
To try and touch the sun,
My fingers burning,
Before you're old you are young,
I'm still learning
I am falling down,
Try and stop me,
It feels so good to hit the ground,
You can watch me,
Fallin on my face,
It's an uphill human race,
and I am falling down
I'm standing out in the street,
The earth is moving,
I feel it under my feet,
And I'm still proveing,
That I can stand my ground,
And my feet are there, haven't washed my hair
Too be lost before you are found,
Don't mean you are losing
Some day I'll live in a house
Etc., etc., etc.
Don't you know that's not for now
and for now I'm falling
down...down...down...,
I'm falling down..
I'm falling....


died-ed at 3:14 pm
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Saturday, September 20, 2003

ugly. but this is only temporary. :S


died-ed at 7:28 am
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can`t sleep. i.just.had.a.terrifying.nightmare. and dad's damn grandfather clock made me jump. =S


died-ed at 2:59 am
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Thursday, September 18, 2003

SIANZ:




click to enlarge.


died-ed at 9:28 pm
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Wednesday, September 17, 2003

OH GOD, PLEASE LET HER BE OKAY:

nenek is at my hse. and she is sick. =( *wails!!!* oh my god.. i just love her so much. but she's old and weak and sick... her body's so hot but she feels cold. she needs to eat but she cannot manage to swallow... i am just so afraid i'll lose her like we lost atok.. =( gosh. its as if today cannot get any worse.. whenever i hear her cough, my heart gets weaker. she doesn't deserve the pain she is facing right now. my uncles troubled her a lot but she loves her children very much. she cares for her children and their children a whole deal.. and yet those to big twins living with her cannot even take care of her properly.. =S my granny is a strong woman. she takes care of her children and grands like lions.. i just pray to god she gets well... soon.


died-ed at 6:51 pm
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Monday, September 15, 2003

PRATHAP>>ATIQ, WHY ARE U SO ISOLATED?:

gee.. am i really..? it was the starting of the term and he has to ask something sad abt me at my face.. =S i was thinking abt it during the rest of the free social studies lesson, the geog lesson, on the way to hml, whilst eating at kfc, during higher malay, in the bus back from hml, whilst walking home from the bus stop, and in the lift and right this moment and maybe the moments after this. comes to think abt it, i AM an isolated person.. i mean, let's face it.. i go online not talking to anyone, despite the hundred over contacts i have, go to school, not socialising, spend recess with exactly 2 different grps of frens (depending on mood and weather and stomach condition) and even then i feel awkward, and in class, i do not have that good a friend.. as in u know.. a "buddy" kinda thing.. i am like wind, just wandering aroud wherever i wanna, no particular spot, no favourite place. haish, i just dun understand.. being isolated isn't a bad thing.. at least even if u feel alone, it doesn't hurt.. even if ppl try to hurt u, they are not that close to u so it doesn't matter.. a lot of things in life dun matter to me. i dun wanna be too close to anyone. cos maybe i am afraid to be hurt again. this reminds me of the play we did for cme when i was in sec 1... :S there's this girl called lonely, ppl dun notice her.. she's invisible.. and then when she suddenly disappears, they didn't realise it until much later.. and when she appears, it was THEN ppl paid more attention to her presence.. maybe i wanna be like that. be invisible, disappear... being noticed something that i don't want and don't need. am i really isolated..? gosh if i really am, then i wld have to write "stressed out and no one to choke" right on my forehead and walk around the school and get weird smirks from ppl.. and if they think that would hurt, i dun think so.. cos isolation somehow builds that invisible wall from getting me to be hurt. BUT isolation does not protect me from anger and fears. and that is what i am afraid of. bursting just like that. and no one to cool me down.


died-ed at 6:01 pm
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