Saturday, September 20, 2003

ugly. but this is only temporary. :S


died-ed at 7:28 am
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can`t sleep. i.just.had.a.terrifying.nightmare. and dad's damn grandfather clock made me jump. =S


died-ed at 2:59 am
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Thursday, September 18, 2003

SIANZ:




click to enlarge.


died-ed at 9:28 pm
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Wednesday, September 17, 2003

OH GOD, PLEASE LET HER BE OKAY:

nenek is at my hse. and she is sick. =( *wails!!!* oh my god.. i just love her so much. but she's old and weak and sick... her body's so hot but she feels cold. she needs to eat but she cannot manage to swallow... i am just so afraid i'll lose her like we lost atok.. =( gosh. its as if today cannot get any worse.. whenever i hear her cough, my heart gets weaker. she doesn't deserve the pain she is facing right now. my uncles troubled her a lot but she loves her children very much. she cares for her children and their children a whole deal.. and yet those to big twins living with her cannot even take care of her properly.. =S my granny is a strong woman. she takes care of her children and grands like lions.. i just pray to god she gets well... soon.


died-ed at 6:51 pm
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Monday, September 15, 2003

PRATHAP>>ATIQ, WHY ARE U SO ISOLATED?:

gee.. am i really..? it was the starting of the term and he has to ask something sad abt me at my face.. =S i was thinking abt it during the rest of the free social studies lesson, the geog lesson, on the way to hml, whilst eating at kfc, during higher malay, in the bus back from hml, whilst walking home from the bus stop, and in the lift and right this moment and maybe the moments after this. comes to think abt it, i AM an isolated person.. i mean, let's face it.. i go online not talking to anyone, despite the hundred over contacts i have, go to school, not socialising, spend recess with exactly 2 different grps of frens (depending on mood and weather and stomach condition) and even then i feel awkward, and in class, i do not have that good a friend.. as in u know.. a "buddy" kinda thing.. i am like wind, just wandering aroud wherever i wanna, no particular spot, no favourite place. haish, i just dun understand.. being isolated isn't a bad thing.. at least even if u feel alone, it doesn't hurt.. even if ppl try to hurt u, they are not that close to u so it doesn't matter.. a lot of things in life dun matter to me. i dun wanna be too close to anyone. cos maybe i am afraid to be hurt again. this reminds me of the play we did for cme when i was in sec 1... :S there's this girl called lonely, ppl dun notice her.. she's invisible.. and then when she suddenly disappears, they didn't realise it until much later.. and when she appears, it was THEN ppl paid more attention to her presence.. maybe i wanna be like that. be invisible, disappear... being noticed something that i don't want and don't need. am i really isolated..? gosh if i really am, then i wld have to write "stressed out and no one to choke" right on my forehead and walk around the school and get weird smirks from ppl.. and if they think that would hurt, i dun think so.. cos isolation somehow builds that invisible wall from getting me to be hurt. BUT isolation does not protect me from anger and fears. and that is what i am afraid of. bursting just like that. and no one to cool me down.


died-ed at 6:01 pm
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Sunday, September 14, 2003

KAY, SO TOMORROW SCHOOL STARTS:

i hate it whenever a new term born.. the nite before that, the normal, are u prepared speeches by my loveleh father, the normal is danapal gonna catch me for offending the school rules worry, the calling of friends for copying of hw, asking anyone who knows the new timetable change, yada yada yada.. and of course the usual,"i put my eldest daughter, nurul atiqah, in charge in taking care of her younger sisters' actions and help them improve in their grades. cos atiqah is the eldest daughter, matured and responsible" yadayadayada... pressurising statement ever made. =S but i think its for me to decide whether i am gonna acheive what i have been hoping for, and at the same time, finally prove others that i can do it if i want to. i want to feel gratified at the end of the day. and i shall never, not ever gonna regret whatever i get at the end of the year, cos whatever results i get, its due to my actions. its due to me. no one to blame but me.


died-ed at 8:20 pm
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I DUNNO WHAT'S UP WITH MY AND MY EARLY BLOG ENTRIES BUT I KNOW ITS GONNA END TODAY..:

..cos school's gonna be back tomorrow and myz is gonna turn into a mugging pumpkin.. gee... and half the class would be on their way to OBS (outward bound school.. see.. i'm so kind. i dun just give the acronyms anymore. but for EOYs.. i guess many ppl wld noe what it stands for: a big ugly monster every student in singapore dread every single year :S) for sunburnts, and midnight amath lectures by siah seng peng>> the smart bastard in my cls. =X and the 3 ppl who sits surrounding me are gonna be missing.. sheesh.. gonna miss them xia.. but its good that half of the class is gone.. the other half of the class would be getting more attention during the whole week of revision.. but alot of ppl that we used to mock during lesson time wld be gone.. that just allows us to think of better mockery for the other half of the class.. (mr yeo, mocking expert, please advice. thx. =p)

i didn't go and visit the library alone after all, yesterday.. fiqi tagged along.. borrowed a few books (3 for my own pleasure of reading and one Joseph Conrad book mrs guna expects us to read for dunno what..), had a hard time deciding where to go next and stuff.. didn't go to cik mah's hse after all cos i was lazy and kinda "forgot" what bus to take there.. its actually i forced myself to forget.. blehz. and fiqi showed me the long face when i told her that.. so, to make her face "short" again[o.0]?, i told her, we'll go home and put our stuff and i'll send her to cik mah's place and she said okay.. but when we reached home, both of us were too lazy to make the move to get out of the hse again, we ended up watching lizzie mcguire the movie.. actually, she wanted to watch nickelodeon the whole afternoon but abang set the cable thingy to parental control so HAHA! but i cldn't watch my mtv either.. i think i'll take back the love u abang thingy from the other blog entry.. =X

i'm kinda impressed with the number of ppl online right now (judging that it's a sunday and ppl usually stay in bed till god knows what time)... 28/144 ppl online... gahz.. why am i posting this anyway? i do need a new bag right now.. cos today's the 14th and my dear backpack is already 2 years old.. (fiqi already sang a birthday song to it just now in the mornign to irritate my soul which was trying to sleep despite the noisy melody of birds going crawk crawk outside the window).. gee and when i was at my tenth minute of sleep, she came in my room and asked.."kak, what's cattle..?" and i was "cow or bull or whatever and get out!" gee.. some ppl can be soo inconciderate.. when she was sleeping in, i didn't even spoil her sleep.. all i did was to finish her breakfast for her.. ;9

i watched the malay news for the first time.. and after that the titian minda debate.. =D i like the way the second debater of the opposition team debate.. so full of dramatic expression.. and the third debater of the opposition team is kinda gayish.. =X momma and abah and fiqi and nenek was supposed to go to shereen's hse after the news cos kakak jan had an operation for appendix but didn't go after all cos abah was tired and fell asleep and actually momma too but she stayed up to watch the titian minda with me.. she kept nudging me and saying "ahh.. this one memorised.." heehee.. cos whenever they stopped and couldn't find the word my mom wld be amused.. heehee.. so kiutz.. =D

gee.. i hate my timetable on mondays.. an hr of maths, an hr of lit, half an hr of maths, break, an hr of english, an hr of social studies, half an hr of geog(i still cannot locate my textbook. gulp. HELP!), an hr lunch and time to get to anderson for 2 hrs of higher malay.. sighz.. i dun feel like going to higher malay tomorrow... i mean its the start of a new term and i just dowanna go there!!! *stamps feet on the ground* gahz.. but the room IS airconditioned and it beats coming home to study summore maths or physics or chemistry or whatsoever. mmmm.. so hungry and there is the smell of toastbread.. =D i think i'm gonna fix myself some breakfast (sooooooooooo un-me) or tell the maid to fix me breakfast.. or call momma to go and get breakfast or stg.. which reminds me.. i haven't started on her webpage yet.. *does tt cartoon/movie loosening the tie and unbutton the collar and gulps* YIKES!
Please die Ana
For as long as you're here we're not
You make the sound of laughter
And sharpened nails seem softer

And I need you now somehow
Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you

Imagine pageant
In my head the flesh seems thicker
Sandpaper tears
Corrode the film

And I need you now somehow
Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you

And you're my obsession
I love you to the bones
And Ana wrecks your life
Like an anorexia life

Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you
Silverchair- Ana's Song. they rawk!


died-ed at 10:00 am
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