Saturday, August 16, 2003

YOU'RE NOT MY BROTHER. WE JUST SHARE THE SAME PARENTS:

i noe its very early to blog, but wtf. my dad damn one kind, noe.. i mean i'm using the computer, on a saturday morning, n he makes it sound as if its a sin.. n my brother is another nut case.. just because i failed my amaths test, n there would be a retest, he had the right to judge wtf i have been doing at home.. one obvious fact the he and i both know is that another 37 ppl in my class failed with me okay and what i scored was average. dammit larhz. i mean he's not even at home, how the f*Ck wld he know what the f*ck i'm doing at home. just because he's so f*cking clever doesn't mean that he has the right to judge me the way he wants to. ugggggghhh.. why dun he just move out n get an apartment with his girlfriend or something. gets me sick in the stomach...

so lemme just qoute this from tt christina aguilera song parts one and two... hopefully, this just goes into their oh-i'm-so-clever-and-you're-not minds:
Sorry you can't define me
Sorry I break the mold
Sorry that I speak my mind
Sorry don't do what I'm told
Sorry if I don't fake it
Sorry I come too real
I will never hide what I really feel

Sorry if I ain't perfect
Sorry I don't give a -what-
Sorry I ain't a diva
Sorry just know what I want
Sorry I'm not a virgin
Sorry I'm not a slut
I won't let you break me
Think what you want

-i just hate my family right now. i can just die-



died-ed at 10:34 am
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Friday, August 15, 2003

ARGH LIKE LAZY TO BLOG LIKE TT!!!!:

i am lazy to blog. jeez.... jimmutan's berfday is coming.. take note alwight... [19th aughust] =D and still, after 2 yrs... he still owes me tt metallic slinky... hahaz... shiet larhz... i like very very very very very very very very very very very very lazy to blawg one liao... sheesh.. i'm like peeling the wound i gort fr the escalator fall... n its all sooo yarkie! uGhHhhh

anyway, today wo very suey arhz!! i didn't study for my geography test cos i forgotten the chapter and i was bz talking to my wonderful yan deisel tt i practically didnt care abt what is gonna happen in sch.. anyway, this morning, tt danapal go n confiscate 4 textbooks fr my cls, which one happens to be my text book.. just bcoz we were in sedia position and our books were in our hands and she accused us of not paying attention the tt gurl reciting her poem.. haiyohx.. so biased... anyway, i got my book back.. so dun care olready lorz...

and btw, i took a few pixs of me n peppernsoup n kimonsta.blogspot and blablabla.. soz maybe i'm gonna upload it at geocities or tripod or sumthing.. till then, forget it... i'm still lazy..... haha..... haiyohs.... so blardie siannnnnnnnnnnnnnn

and here's the lyrics to duncan sheik's on a high:
I'm on a high, I'm on a high
there's nothing more to it.
We are the sea and the sky
and the blue that runs through it, yeah.

and there are some who say there are so many things I need
so I run or I fight and I crawl or I scream and I bleed
I bleed, I bleed

well, it's a lie it's a lie - don't you believe it.
if you're fine then you're fine - it's all how you see it.
oh, there never will be no conspiracy of happiness.

I'm on a high I'm on a high
and there's nothing more to it
I have the sun, it's a star
why should I refuse it

and there are so many reasons I could give you why I should be down
there's not enough money or time and my love you're not around
around, around

but it's a lie it's a lie - don't you believe it.
if you're fine then you're fine - it's all how you see it.
oh, there never will be no conspiracy of happiness.

you're alive you're alive - how else could you hear me?
you are fine, you are fine - there's nothing worth fearing
'cause there never will be no conspiracy of happiness

I'm on a high, on a high
we are the sea and the sky
I'm on a high, on a high
I'm on a high

It's a lie, It's a lie don't you believe it
'Cause I've tried and I've tried, and I can't really see it
Yeah, I'm trapped inside my conspiracy of happiness
said I was yours, you were mine but I didn't really mean it
and I lied and I lied
and I wish you hadn't seen it
'cause I'm trapped inside my conspiracy of happiness
I'm on a high, on a high, there's nothing more to it, yeah.




died-ed at 4:59 pm
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Sunday, August 10, 2003

SORRY SEEMS TO BE THE EASIEST WORD:

It was first day of the mid-year exams, therefore i finished school a little earlier, i called him, :Hey, i finished school earlier today, would you come by and pick me up?

:Alright, give me 5 minutes.

:5 minutes? But my school is just beside your house.

:I need to get ready.

:Alright, make it fast then.

2pm in the afternoon, the sun is extremely hot, I stood under a shaded tree and fan myself.

Although it doesn't make much of a difference, it was better that I fanned.

5 minutes have passed, he's still not shown up, I was a lil' unhappy while looking at my watch.

10 minutes and he's still not here....couldn't be that he was met with an accident?

15 minutes passed, he finally shown up.

:Why are you so late?

He wasn't even a lil' bothered: Nahz, was watching TV.

:What?! TV?! Why don't you sleep, bathe and eat before you come down then?

I haven't got anything else to say for that, didn't take the helmet he handed me but stood there and stared at him.

:Sorry.

This was the first time he said sorry to me...

He is an egoistical person all along and has never once apologised to a girl.

I looked at him, Alright, took the helmet and let him sent me home.

He is always acting like this, no explanations, no friction, no quarrels.

The only thing he does is to apologise. To me, somethings can't be settled with a sorry.

I would never go on asking after everytime he apologises.

He told me, that was the first time he said sorry to a girl.



Although it take courage to admit mistakes, he never once correct his mistakes.

Saying sorry became a word to shut me up instead.

Tears flowed down my cheek on the 59th time he apologised.

I dropped my head: you don't ever need to say sorry to me again.

If you can never change, then don't let me keep giving you chances again and again hoping and believing that you would change each time.

He held me lightly, and said the 60th sorry.

Even then, he did not change, and there was no explanation whatsoever.



I began to worry if there was something he was keeping from me.

:What's wrong with you these few days?

:Nothing.

:Then why are you acting so strange?

:I am not.

:What can you say other than this answer?

:Do you know I'm very woried, very insecure,

do you treat me as your girlfriend?

:I'm sorry...

:I don't want to hear you say sorry again.

I put down the phone and he did not call back.

He doesn't even care about me. Maybe we should....break up.

....this was the 99th time he said sorry...

>From that day onwards, I never once called me or went to look for him.

Sometimes I get an anonymous phonecall

but everytime I said hello, it was dead, i think it's a call from him, but why don't he speak up?

After one month have passed, I couldn't contain the feelings I still have for him anymore and went to his school to find him.

I went outside his classroom and looked around, but there was no sign of him.

:excuse me, is XOXO here today?

:I'm afraid he already stopped schooling.

:Huh? Why? When was that?

:He hasn't been in school for a month already.

:Oh erms...thanks.

One month....not in school for one month...why is that so? I stumbled home.

Called his hp: Sorry the caller is currently unavailable, please leave your message after the tone....

I put down the phone, and called his house next, but there was no answer.

How can it be? The whole family migrated?

It seems as though he has already disappeared from the face on the earth leaving not even a single trace.

I couldn't find him....just as I was feeling distraughted, the phone suddenly sounded, it was my friend.

He was one of his brothers and also my good friend.

:Hey, what have you been doing? XOXO is in hospital.

:REALLY? WHAT HAPPENED?

:Oh he is in ZZ hospital, the one you stayed in last time.

:I'll be right there.

I used the fastest speed my legs could carry and when I reached the hospital I saw that his parents were already there.

I asked them for the room number and flew across the hall.

He was lying on bed, looking at me, not saying a word, not moving a muscle,

:Hey, what happened to you? Why didn't you contact me?

He did not answer, and used the same stare on me again.

:Come on answer me...why don't you speak?

A tear flowed down the side of his eye, and it looked as though he used the greatest amount of strength that he could master to say...

:I'm...sorry...

After that, his eyes went shut.

:Hey, don't fool around alright...why say sorry to me?

:Don't say sorry to me....please wake up....answer me please.

I wept and fell down on the side of his bed, pulling his shirt I cried out..

:Why do you have to apologise? Why don't you give me an explanation instead?

:I won't forgive you, wake up, saying sorry is no use...

:If you don't wake up I'll never ever forgive you in this lifetime, please I beg of you..open your eyes.....

That was the 100th sorry

A group of medical staff, doctors, nurses pulled me away and tried to revive him. I had no strength to stand up...

My mind was a blank.... my eyes could only see a sea of black.

He did not leave this world...I merely lost the chance to touch him anymore.

But he would appear in my dreams sometimes, telling me how he was doing.

He's still accompaning me, still alive, in my heart.

would still laugh at my silliness, and call me his darling....just that...he never apologise to me anymore.

After a month, his mom came to look for me, and gave me a box...inside was

a 100 photographs, everyone had a story behind them..the reasons why he made me angry.

The first time, my dear, I did not purposely arrive late to pick you up.

I know this excuse is really lame, but I didn't have the heart to tell you the truth then,

before I stepped out of the house, I felt a pain in my chest, but I still made it a point to meet you, please forgive me?

The second time, my dear, I...

The third time, my dear, I...

The 100th time, my dear, I didn't mean to leave you alone in this world,

It had to be so because God did not give me the chance to say I Love You for this lifetime of mine, and to put the ring on your finger....

You are the first girl I apologised to.

And also the first girl I want to be with for the rest of my life...

Forgive me for not able to bring you happiness but I have thus become your angel, always looking out for you...

Looking at you while you find your happiness...promise me...don't shed a tear...

I don't want to see you weep like this for me, I Love You ~XOXO

How can I not cry? What you said was just too impossible.

The last photograph was of him in the hospital,

Although he was skinny, the smile on his face was bright as ever.

His face was white and yet he tried his best to give his last smile on the last photo, the 100th.

At the time when he needed me the most, I wasn't with him.

:I'm sorry.

I held the photo tightly and cried for us.....


died-ed at 9:17 pm
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