Saturday, August 02, 2003

FOR MY PARENTS:

Dear Momma n Abah,

My object of writing this is not to insult you or anything.. Both of you are great parents.. But sadly, not for me.. Just for my siblings.. I crave your attention,momma... i wish you know how i am feeling.. outside, i may seem alright and smile as you leave.. but my smiles are just a front.. they are all just a front..

you make a great fuss about your work.. i know how you are committed the mosque, i understand.. but u don't have to work 24/7 momma.. you don't have to come home and complain having to do too much.. you're the one who asked to do more than your job criteria.. it's not my fault.. it's good your spending time wif ikee and mira.. but wat abt me..? dun i deserve your attention..? dun i deserve your love like they do..?

you care alort for your only son.. but that doesnt mean you dun have to care for your daughters.. where's the equality...? you make a great fuss abt the training he goes through, his love life, his well-being... you make extra for him when he dun favours something.. and when i dun favour something, you say i should be grateful..? no momma, i dun need your pity.. i just need the same amount of love that you give him momma..

daddy, you keep critisizing my ways.. wat do you know..? you are never around... you don't know i actually worked my ass off for that exam.. you never knew.. you never keep track.. you accused me doing things that no doubt i have done.. you exaggerated.. you always said i have the potential to.. but u never did your part in realizing your potential.. u just did a chart for me.. anyone could have done dat..

i'm not trying to gain your pity or anything.. but i am just fucking sick n tired of you guys trying to get on my nerves.. and when you ppl do, u just dun noe wat kind of things i wld do.. i'm so sick n tired of being the one who have to bear the pain and cry silently in my room.. at times, i wld very much prefer staying in the dark than going into the glaring light with you.... you never knew me.... you never knew the person whom you called daughter


died-ed at 8:08 pm
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Thursday, July 31, 2003

I MISS ARWAH GRANPA:

From: tuah tuah
To: azman_mus@hotmail.com, azmimustafa@yahoo.com, hanbinmus@yahoo.com.sg, kepleemus@yahoo.com.sg, lukman_mustafa@yahoo.com, supartino@yahoo.com, zaini_posh@yahoo.com, zuraida_mustafa@hotmail.com
Subject: Something to read
Date: Wed, 23 Jul 2003 00:24:47 -0700 (PDT)


Assalamu’alaikum wr wb..



Dear bros and sis..



Since we’ve (HMF mailing list) been quite for some time, I would like share something with all of you. Nostalgia tic moments with bapak, I guess.



I was at a friend’s shop in Beach Road when I saw Al-Quran translation in Bahasa Jawi titled Pimpinan al-Rahman. Since I’m not that good at reading Jawi, an idea popped up. Why not asked bapak to read it to me. That way, it will encourage him to read the translation and I too will benefit from the session. I really want to see him reading the Quran since he had all the time in the world.



So, the first thing after I bought the translation ($50.00) was to go mak’s place and showed it to bapak. He read a few verses and translated them to me. I told him that he could keep it since he knew Jawi.



Few days later when I visited him, he asked me the is the meaning of verse 255 surah al-Baqarah. I was caught off guard. I told him that I didn’t know. He explained to me that it’s the Ayatul Kursi. Another day he told me the story of Nabi Musa in the Quran. He even told me that he was amazed at verses he found in the Quran. It seems to at that time that he understood the Quran now rather than reading without knowing its meaning before.



After he passed away, I asked mak permission to take the translation with me to Malaysia. You know what I found. A newspaper cutting dated 21 Jan 1993 of myself titled “Azahari sertai musabaqah di Makkah” pasted in one of the pages.



But what is more touching to me is that he had read the translation of the Quran up to juz 22. Subhanallah! I personally have not read that much. I mean the Quran with translation. I bet that if you asked the ‘ahli masjid’, they too most probably have not read that much.



There’s a hadith I found in Imam Qurtubi ‘al-Tazkirah’ that says that a man dalam alam kubur was asked of his amalan di dunia. He answered: I read the Quran, I believe it. And I believe in what it says. That man had a good rest in his grave.



Understand the hadith. How can someone believe in what the Quran says if he doesn’t understand a word of what he is reading. But in bapak case, he understood it from the translation. And if you study the translation Pimpinan al-Rahman, it is not a direct translation. It is actually a tafsir which gives someone a better understanding of the Quran.



Moga-moga bapak diberi ganjaran dari apa yang dia baca dan fahami daripada Al-Quran.



Allahumma amin..



Walam

died-ed at 5:42 pm
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Wednesday, July 30, 2003

CURRENTLY NOT AT HOME:

blah.blah.blah. i dun need to tell u where i am at or what or why i am here. sooo lazie to think abt it, wat more typing it all down... bla.bla.bla...... neway, i need to thnk widya... *ThaNk U wiDyA! muahCkz!* for urm accompany me eat n then pour my pathetic prob to ya.. n urm.. good luck wif d naggin sista~ Xo|

neway, neway, neway... i was in amaths clazz after sch.. and i actually listened and understood wat mr yeo was saying.. YEAY!!! now the only thing left to do is to complete my homework.. hahax... soooooooooooooooooooooooo lazy! blahz.. n still gort english the poem to do for d teachers day.. guna say kumar say tt our clz good in poems larhz... exposed to good english skills larhz.. CRAP! n ehz.. i call them by their husband's name like they my fren like tt.. hahax...

anywayz, just now we had this english debate... "shld students be given homework....." and i was like in the opposition team and we were like doomed liao lorz... budden lucky our signposting or watever shit was good and we were organised n we rebutted.. *is there such a werd?* and although our way in delivering out points suck and we weren't as good as jason... we won! yeay!!! haha... blablabla... tt the only time i was really happy today... n urm.. the time when junhui started singing in tt choir voice of his... blabx..

arhz.. i forgot to tell u ppl this... FOR THE FERST TIME, I PASSED MY A MATHS AND PHYSICS TEST!!! WOOOHOOO!!! apparently, those calculations thingy brought my marks up fer physics and i just passed a maths.. gotta listen to andrew yeo more often now! haha.. then just now hor.. during chemistry hor.. jun hui kept mimicking the mistur dunno wat voice.. sooo hilarious hahax... and he gave us 3 qns fr our chem notes to be handed in on foolscap next week.. hahax... 3 qns for a whole week! he must be joking.. dunno wat the NIE ppl train d teachers... n he's so damn bloody tall.. oh sheesh.. talk to him get neck pain uh!


died-ed at 9:15 pm
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Tuesday, July 29, 2003

THIS IS FOR ALL THOSE FAT-HATING-STEREOTYPES!:

Her voice was sweet, her eyes were kind
She kept secrets and told no lies
She had many friends that
helped her out
And she helped them up when
they were down

One day at school her friend
called her fat
She said it louder and
everyone laughed

Everyone turned on her and
called her a dweeb
"Please, I've had enough"
shewould beg and plead

She ran home crying that very
same day Then she ran to the bathroom
and grabbed a blade
She pressed it harshly against
her wrist
And blood rapidly poured down
her skin

The next Monday she came to
school with scars
The kids in class saw and went
on being harsh
hey called her big, round,
large, and wide

She wanted to yell but she
kept it all inside
This time she walked home and
decided for fun
She'd slice her neck in rows,
one by one
She lost her anger, she lost
her blood

She lost her mind, just cause
it "felt good"
Soon she stopped eating,
skipping every other meal
Her parents never knew, she
kept her lips sealed
She became skinny, pale, bony,
and thinner she threw up her breakfast,
lunch and sometimes dinner.

One day she was bored so she
got her hands on some
coke
She sniffed it through her
nose and got a dry
throat
She looked around and
everything became dark

So she closed her eyes and
fell apart
She fainted that day but no
one heard her scream
Her dad saw her on the floor
like it was a bad dream

She was rushed to the hospital
in an hour or so
And her parents whispered and
yelled
"please don't go!"

She just layed there on the
hospital bed
Cuts on her wrists and a
messed up head
Her parents by her side crying
endlessly
But she just looked upon them
cluelessly

She slit her wrists, she slit
her neck
She threw up her food every
night before bed

She took some drugs,
"it was better than a knife"
She wasted her money, her
time, and her life
Her voice once was sweet, her
eyes once were kind

Until a single word mutilated
her mind
Her friends hoped it wasn't
something they said
Cause a few days later, they
found out she was
dead.


died-ed at 9:03 pm
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Sunday, July 27, 2003

I DUNNO WAT TO PUT HERE:

today's momma's berfday... HAPPY BDAE MOMMEHZ!!! MUACHZ! hurrhurr.. i just got back from madrasah.. daddy n momma picked me up and dropped mir at the mosque.. then we went to heartland mall d delifrance for breakfast.. heehee.. had d tuna crossoint n daddy go n buy the potato thingy... =) for the first time, after 3 wks.. breakfast was purfect then after breakfast we went to the spectacle shop to get momma's rimless specs... wah seh.. we go there the shop was packed.. n then by the time momma's specs was settled, we were the only ones left... and tt excludes daddy's half-rimmed specs... talalalalalalalalala

woot... shafiqah just logged in.. msn nick:eat well. stay healthy. die anyway.... lolx.. neway.. i woke up late for madrasah... make tt ard 7.50 like tt.. hurrhurr.. and it starts at 8.. so i rushed here n there n got there at ard 8.15 like tt... neway, there were 2 octogan tables fer d girls.. the first table wif asyikin and adila on it was already full so i was forced to sit wif the lisa gang... soooo d kecohx... dunch like.. btw, *REMINDER!*, next week the madrasah wld be at the new, or rather old, location.. haish.. no hap aircon... sooo blardie sianz....

i dunno why but these days i dun sleep well.. maybe becoz i keep on waiting for gege's call but he never call me at nite nemore.. so frustrating.. esp when he makes me wait for dunno how long n then when he calls back he says he wanna sleep... then mite as well dun bother me rite..?! haish... Relax.. Relax....

heehee.. i just ended a conversation wif ct d brader.. hurrhurr.. jocko suhardi or sumthing like tt the name.... he kept making this "...-.-" sign.. so kiutz... anyway, he said tt im sooo malay.. OH PUHLEZE! he doesn't noe me very well.. haha... if i'm so malay then i wldnt be lauffing whenever i speak my language... haish... thx to my momma, i'm so english orientated... but... its ok.... rather than so malay... So MiNAH... *eww....*

sumtimes i wonder what i really wanna be when i grow up... i was thinking of being a businesswoman, contributing to the fashion industry but hor.. now i feel like being an optician or opening a chain of restaurants... haish.. some of my frenz say tt me dreaming to be an entrepreneur is very vain and it's sumthing that they don't think i am serious about.. but i really am... i don't want to be someone else's employee.. i wanna be an employer, not an employee.... cos i think being ruled by somebody else sucks to the core.. neway, i still cannot get my scanner to scan... i mean the scanner's fixed to the comp and stuff.. but i dunch noe why the friggin programme cannot import "twain 32".... haizzz.. its sooo frustrating at times i can just kill myself... x)


died-ed at 1:27 pm
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