Thursday, December 16, 2004

my goodbye.

yes, i am going to leave this place. so i'm going to give my one last post. a sort-of tribute before i go, before i delete this blog from the internet entirely.


it feels kind of funny leaving this space that i set up approximately 2 years ago. but i'm not much of a person who hold on to things very tightly because in me, there's this thing which keeps on saying that if i hold on too tightly, things will eventually slip away. i don't know if that makes sense, but all my life, that's just how i feel about stuff and it's a sad thing because with such a thought instilled in my mind, i can never be able to secure a relationship for very long unless its with my family. and even then, the bonds are very loose. i hardly know them anymore.


this space on the virtual reality more or less took part in certain revolutions in my life. my ups and downs, my confusion, my happiness, my breakups and my teenage angst. there's a bit of everything in this space, and it's difficult for me to let go, come to think about it. it's like trying to erase my memory. but of course, in reality, the memory, those school girl days are right inside my head. its up to me whether i want to retrive them or not. the difference is that, it wouldn't be as easy as clicking the archive pages. i would have to recollect the moments slowly and there may be things that i wouldn't remember at all.


upon completing reading the novel memoirs of a geisha, i realised that life isn't just an everyday thing. and who am i to jot down my day-to-day living here on the virtual reality? i'm no one special. i'm just as mundane as a television set in every home. in fact, i think that television sets have better lifestyles than me. they bring joy to people. they bring entertainment. i just bring subjects of mass unconcerns to your lives. if i'm ever to tell the story of my life again, then i'd be presenting it in a novel. and then, i would be proud of it because the only reason for my to publish my memoirs is because i have made a difference. and i intend to make a difference, for once.


the reason i started this blog was because i want to be heard. and also because the trend of having an online diary was increasing and i didn't want to be left behind. anyhows, i can count the number of times people actually cared for the way i feel. i can count the number of times, friends approach me because they read and they care and not because they want me to create a new layout for them or to host their pictures or for html guidance or whatsoever. but i am never heard. nope. i don't have friends close enough to be enjoying that privelage. i don't have publicity good enough for strangers to come and READ my blog, instead of commenting on how the layout looks or how sucky it is. the main objective of this blog has never been reached. so i'll just have to stop it.


i'll be off, somewhere. seclude myself. i shall still jot down my private thoughts. but no more in this realm. too much pressure, too many things to consider before i can finally click the publish button to expose my entries. and even if i make my blog private, it'd be of no difference to having my own secret diary. in fact, i'd be saving electrical energy if i kept a secret diary instead of an online one. i just can't be myself anymore when i'm here. might as well don't present myself anymore.


i'd like to thank all those who have helped me in one way or another in this blogging world. the layouts, the html, the thoughts, the critics.. everything. you guys can still contact me through msn, that is if you have my contact. i don't usually pass out my email. so leave me a tag. and just maybe i'll get back to ya.


so i'm gonna go now. this place is gonna be gone in a month. so yeah. goodbye forever.


died-ed at 7:30 pm
--------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, December 12, 2004

balooness.

KL WAS THA BOMB! <3 ain't in the mood to type it all right now, so maybe i shall just post the pictures up one fine day when i'm in the mood and let the pictures do all the talking. well, a picture speaks a thousand words. i have tons. so yeah.


you know what? i can't blog on this space anymore. i'm moving.


died-ed at 1:47 pm
--------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

dotsdotsdots

dotsdotsdotsdotsdotsdotsdotsdotsdots. ENOUGH. haha.

an hour to escape from singapore! whippeedoolittle.

kthxbai.




that wasn't me typing. that was a phantom which took over my body for 30 seconds to humilate me on my very own blog. but i'm really going off soon. so kthxbai.


i know, i know! this whole post is lame! i'm just too happy. and this space is mine mine mine! k nvm. bye.


died-ed at 5:08 pm
--------------------------------------------------------

Monday, December 06, 2004

-coughs-

local ads on tv are fugly. especially the dick lee 30th anniversary concert thing and the halal food booster thing. and usually there are only two things i can do about them: roll my eyes and be disgusted for a few minutes or change the channel. the latter is usually impossible unless i'm alone because there'd be a whole army of pillows charging at me. whatever. and the malay show on suria right now is so ridiculous. the kids don't know how to act a single bit. like wth. but who cares? i'm going off to kay to the el on wednesday till saturday so i'll have break from local televison. yippeeh.






i'm sorry but it's been such a long time. i can't wait for you any longer. i've been so so patient, and i've cried for so many nights. but that's going to stop now. life must go on. i can't just push the pause button and put my life to a standstill. no, i can't. but i can lend you a shoulder to lean on whenever you need me, i can lend you a listening ear like i have always did. and like always, i'll try to bring you up when you are down and i'll smile along when you're up there. you know you have a special place in my heart. i'll keep you there, always, always. i'll always be your friend.


died-ed at 10:50 pm
--------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, December 02, 2004

-rolls eyes-

i really hope my noodles won't poison anyone who had consumed it last night. on a lighter note, loads of compliments from people on the chicken which i had marinated and the good food and all. of course, i had little help from baked beans and scrambled eggs. anypoots, last night was fun. maybe. i don't know. the cacophony basically emanated from multiple tv sets which are switched on at the same channels with their volumes at full blast. not to forget the random "SLY SUCKS! TAUFIK IS MY IDOL!!" shout outs which i practically rolled my eyes at. my entertainment was my cute lil cousin loolah whom after a while fell sick and had to rest in the room. so i was practically left to boredom because bb, se and dinmaster was still at escape and hadn't come back yet. thank goodness aed was there to entertain me with his bbq skills and attempts at burning and stealing my marshmellows. aaah, marshmellows, crispy on the outside and gooey on the inside. <3<3<3


so much fun last night, i'm practically left for another day of movie marathons. watched cody banks in the morning, the prince and me right now and maybe rugrats go wild later on. bleah. i was gonna go out to watch shutter or the incredibles or bridget jones diary 2 or one of those movies that i've been wanting to watch but keep on postponing for don't know what reasons but i was too lazy and i had no company so i've decided to watch the same old movies at home over and over again. lunch is a drag. the only reason i went to order the couple's meal from kfc is because is 95 cents above the minimun order charge of 12 dollars and i am lazy to add up the prices and stuff. so yeah. and there's the spoilt brat at home with her friend who keeps on playing with their handphones and irritating me. they're bound to lose their energy and would need a booze so purchasing the couple's meal would be a rather appropriate decision. whatever.


well, off to go and eat my grub. tirra.


this is getting boring. my posts, i mean.


died-ed at 3:33 pm
--------------------------------------------------------

Monday, November 29, 2004

nvm.

i want manan as my younger brother. he's so much cuter and so much more intellectual than my youngest sister. and mind you, they're of the same age. ugh. i feel so hypocritical by making that first statement. i'm gonna slit myself for saying such a thing later tonight.


SLASH SLASH SLASH <3


i've decided to delete whatever i typed just now and paste the following paragraph which i took from teh Jason's blog.


"And at the door, its the Door Keeper(or ODJ, my english class partner) and 03(or olive or sleeping beauty), the two art students. Atiqah, sits next to me during English lessons. Good thing is i can copy her comprehensions, play with her phone and her camara. Read her useless notebook and use her markers to draw my table. She's very narcistic. And Lin Shan is my favourite girl from my class(in a friendly way). I've no idea why but i really like talking to her. And i always send her songs but she always say my songs are awful and bad. And i studied occasionally with her at Kovan's MacDonalds, and she is pretty smart too."


i don't know why, but i just like the recognition he gave me after a year of letting him copy my comprehensions, playing my phone and my camera, letting him read my useless notebook and lending him markers to draw on his table and his shoes. actually my notebook ain't useless. teh jason's just bored. his notebook is pretty useless too actually. the only thing's interesting is that it's just as insane as he is. a perfect notebook for a whacked person. bleah. no hard feelings aight, teh jason?


died-ed at 7:42 pm
--------------------------------------------------------

Monday, November 22, 2004

and once again, she's surrounded by many people, and in the crowd she's all alone. so many familiar faces, but she didn't recognise any of them. she sails on a ship with a crew that she thought she knew so well, but in reality, they are nothing but faceless phantoms sailing on the same journey as she was. and just like her, they are all alone in the midst of commotion. but unlike her, they do not realise it. all of them are deluding their very own selves that the zombies they are sharing their tombs with are an affirmative bunch. but they are nothing but lies. lies. lies. and lies.


her lips formed alot of pseudo smiles, and aching muscles is the aftermath. but she know that she cannot end this pseudonomity; she has to hide this pain that she feels inside, the hole in her heart that has never been filled and still unsure who has created it and why it expands day after day. she tries very hard to hide from people but they are just everywhere. she feels as if she's a target on a shooting range with nowhere to hide; waiting seems like forever but shot right through in an instant.


the heart has grown so cold, it has forgotten to feel. the coldness influences the mind and thus the soul has found it hard in believing. false and truth often coincides and it's hard to seperate those two from each other. promises have been pushed aside, patience is no longer a virtue. breaking away has now become a lifetime mission, but something that is impossible. there's no way for her to amputate herself from this cruel truth that she has to face, from this fake and backstabbing society that she has been forced to live in. trapped inside and outside, her mind disintergrates but simultaneously stimulating vicious and unimaginable thoughts that has never been revealed to any other person. the thoughts were purely hers, and hers alone and she'd protect it as if it was her child, her infant, her baby for it was the only thing that they cannot take away from her. let them have her pride, let them deprive her of the right, truthful company but never take her thoughts away from her. because then, she'd be nothing but an empty vessel, not waving but drowning in this big open sea.


died-ed at 6:54 pm
--------------------------------------------------------